Special Living Lessons for Relief Society Sisters by Sister Fonda AlaMode

Ponderings From The R.S. President of The Parley P. Pratt Park South Fourth Ward Volume one Issue seven W e l c o m e ! Visitors We have not noticed anything strange this week, but if you yourself are a visitor, unbeknownst to us, we are all feeling exciting to have you here. Excuses Sisters, if for some reason you have not been attending, we urge you to return! Your absence is sorely missed! Lesson The lesson we will preconceive from Sister DiVine this week is "Compulsory Service Lesson Number 4," which is, "The Best Seventy-Two Years of Your Life: Being a Millenial Missionary." And sisters, do remember the importance of missionary work, and so always strive to republicize The Church wherever you go. Special Womanly Values Sisters, the recent rains and humidity have been a blessingand a curse. As we try to keep up our appearances and be as fresh as daisies, we will add unto our Special Womanly Values: —Number One, Eternal Fragrance. —Number Two, Diligent Exfoliation. —Number Three, Abundant Fertility. AND now let us ad, —Number Four, The Shunning of moisture in all of its forms. Announcements Special Lesson For Teen Girls Sisters, I had kind of hoped that I would not have to give

° ° ° of this announcement this week. I do hope that you will not be offended, but I have been asked unto let you know that on Wednesday night there will be a very special lesson, just for mothers and our ten unto thirteen-year old daughters. It's just a very special, feminine lesson, about a very special time in these girl's lives and the very special, womanly things in which are happening unto their changing bodies.* Any-way, this is a very important lesson, a lesson in which these girls will learn to feel excruciatingly comfortable about their bodies—a lesson in which our girls will learn that these changes are com-pletely. normal. That they are natural, and—wonderful. (Then, each of the girls will be given a special little kit and taught how to wrap, hide, and bury the evidence so that no one will ever need to know of these special and wonderful things in which are happen-ing.) (And I hope that announcement did not offend you.) *There is no need unto go into this lesson with others, but if the fathers or husbands do persist in asking, just tell them it's just very special, very private and very, very feminine and it's just for the mothers and the daughters— Period! (Sorry, I did not mean unto offend anyone. Just don't say anything at all.) Weekly Warning From The Brethern Sisters, we have been instructed by The Brethern unto be self-sufficient in taking our problems unto our Priesthood leaders. It is not appropriate to take every problem or concern straight to the top. We most remember The Priesthood Line of Authority when we have those questions in which need answers, so that we do not bother senior priesthood holders who are busy helping people. And so, one would start by going in the proper order: 1—your teenaged boys. 2—your husband/father. 3—Those unfortunate Sisters who are not married can just go straight for the Home Teachers. 4—our Bishop (Bishop Lackluster). 5—our Steak President, President Blahaa.

° ° ° 6—the Prophet. 7—Heavenly Father. Now, sisters, I hope you will not be offended if I do make mention that there is a place for all of us Sisters in the Lord's plan. And if you do have a question about Home-making or Education, you can consult with the appropriate Relief Society Counselor. Births, Callings, Deaths, Marriages And Other Tragedies We are just excited to learn that Stephen Menlove has received a mission call at last and so he will not be attending Beauty College for two years. Instead, he has been called to serve in the Isle of Man. Sister Menlove, this is just neat! I think it's going to be a great ex-perience for Stephen! And I do think that just being away from women for a couple of years will help him to really appreciate them and value their qualities. Thought For The Day Sisters, I have heard a really wonderful story, a special parable about marriage and I wanted to share that with you when we had time or space, but I just feel to do it in the Newsletter. And so, this is a story about a little boy: Once there was a little boy and he was given a very special little key. Since he was a little boy, it was a very tiny key. And he was told that as he grew up he would find a special girl with a special lock in which would fit his key. As he grew, he tried and tried and tried to use his key and he went unto lock after lock until it did not work and it became rusted. But at last, he found that he could polish his key through a long process so that finally he found that special girl with which the perfect lock would fit his key. Together they were married and they received a special earthly treasure and they went on to have children and each child got their own little lock or

º ° ° key. And as they grew up they had the opportunity to try to find someone who had a lock or a key that fit theirs and most of the children found someone so they were able to get an earthly treasure, but some of the children didn't find any-one until after they were dead and then they found someone and they got married and they got a heavenly treasure, but when the mother and father died, they merged their earthly treasure with their heavenly treasure and those children who found the others who fit their lock or key before they died got the earthly treasure and the heavenly treasure, but those who did not get the earthly treasure but got only the heavenly treasure were still happy because they were able to use their locks and keys at last. (I just think that's a beautiful story!) Tips For Teachers: Customize your lesson in such a way that none of the Lord's Chosen People will be offended. ANOTHER TIP THIS WEEK (not for Teachers but Just Plain Sisters) on "DEALING WITH AVERSITY": An Early Mission Return is Difficult for Everyone Involved, But Still Try To Make Your Missionary Feel that He Has a Special Love!