I have no experience as a homosexual nor as a professional studying homosexuality. My expertise comes solely from being a Latter-day Saint mother of a gay son. I did not choose to be a mother of a homosexual, and I don't have all the answers even after years of dealing with this issue. However, I now find that it has been an enlightening experience, and I consider myself a pioneer in sometimes uncharted waters from trying to assist other LDS parents who are out there floundering in the murky waves of dealing with homosexuality.

As the founder of HELP (Homosexual Education for Latter-day Saint Parents), I have found myself on a roller coaster of emotions, especially when I asked for church recognition, received it, and then saw it dropped. However, after much soul searching, I've decided to forge on in an effort to help keep Mormon families together—and sane. The phone rings at least once a month with a troubled LDS family, so I am needed.

I would like to share some helpful hints if you discover a homosexual in your home closet.

1. Be careful not to say hurtful things to your child after he or she admits to his or her homosexuality.

Barbara Johnson, a Baptist mother of a gay son and founder of Spatula Ministries in La Habra, California, suggests that all parents gag themselves for the first three months after discovering their child's homosexuality because everything they say is the wrong thing. We hurt as parents because we see our hopes and dreams diminish for that child—no mission, no temple marriage, no grandchildren, and worse yet maybe no eternal family. We unload our anger on them because we cannot find anyone else to be the scapegoat.

There are many children (1,500 to 2,000 between the ages of eleven and seventeen years) from all walks of life who end up living on the streets of San Francisco. They survive by prostitution. Do not allow your anger at your child to force him or her into this vulnerable situation. Our children are not prepared for this; many are murdered or commit suicide. Bite your tongue.

2. Find someone to talk to about your feelings who will do nothing but listen.

Finding someone who will understand is not as difficult as it would first appear. It is a known statistic that one in ten people is homosexual, and one of every four families has a homosexual in their family. Because we are in a more relaxed society, more gay people are "coming out of the closet" and more parents are "coming out" with them. A child's homosexuality doesn't need to be hidden, and parents will meet many wonderful people—parents and gays—once they have developed positive rather than negative attitudes about homosexuality. Parents will find that they are able to reach out to others who are in the same situation once they have overcome their own feelings about having a gay child.

Unfortunately the church is sadly lacking in training their priesthood leaders about how to deal with homosexuality. There are too few LDS counselors prepared to help families in this situation. I even met one counselor from Church Social Services who had never read a book on homosexuality. Hopefully this situation will change as more and more homosexuals and their parents make their needs known.

3. Do not judge the homosexual.

A Methodist minister to the Indians often quoted a saying I have never forgotten: "Do not judge an Indian until you have walked one mile in his moccasins." You can read about the church's position on homosexuality and how your child fits in with it. You can even discuss with your child how he or she feels. But don't judge your child. Encourage your child to continue to be a part of your family; don't try to change him or her. Love is a mighty tool, and love within a family helps the homosexual not to be on the defensive.

4. Accept the fact that there is no "cure" for homosexuality.

Can you remember how or when you chose your sexuality? They can't remember either. The gay men and women whom I have met have always had homosexual feelings; their lifestyle might change as they try to live gospel principles, but they will always remain homosexual just as you will remain heterosexual. Some are bisexual—are able to marry and even have children. But more often than not, gays cannot marry a person of the opposite sex any more than the heterosexual could marry someone of his or her same sex. There are many former wives of gay men who will tell you about their attempts to do otherwise.

Some homosexuals find lifelong same-sex companions. I have met couples who have been together for over twenty years. Parents who do not welcome their child's companion into their home often drive their child further and further away. (You might be interested to know that one European country has passed a law allowing gay marriages; California is considering changing a current law to allow gay marriages.)

5. Read about homosexuality when you feel up to it.

If you think people choose to be gay, just read about the homosexuals who were persecuted during Hitler's regime, who had pink triangles placed on them for identification, and who were placed in extermination camps along with the Jews. Or you might want to learn how and why San Francisco and other port cities became homes for gay people. It happened because we heterosexuals didn't think it unchristian to dishonorably discharge gay men from the Navy for homosexuality, labeling their discharge certificates with a big "H." If you remember what people thought of homosexuals twenty or thirty years ago, you will understand why these people would not return home to their families. How could you show your parents a certificate labeling you as a disgrace? The heterosexuals caused the gays to reside in these cities.

Read about the research that has been done on homosexuality. One such article appeared in the October 1988 issue of Parents Magazine and described some new thinking and research on how children become gay. Don't be afraid to read about the subject of homosexuality.

6. Learn to deal with the guilt that is a natural by-product of having a gay child.

Parents often blame themselves for their child's homosexuality. If they are not careful, they will wallow in this stage forever. Excessive guilt sometimes causes parents of homosexuals to choose between the church and their child. Parents need to forgive themselves for whatever mistakes they feel they have made while parenting. You and I are not perfect. Give yourself a break. Seek out support groups for parents who have gay children. Our peers can help us work through our homophobia.

7. Join a support group.

One nationwide parent support group is PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), which was founded by a mother. Originally based in Los Angeles, it is now located in Denver, Colorado. PFLAG has groups meeting monthly right in your own neighborhood. You will meet parents who have more than one gay child in the family; mothers who have twins, one gay, one straight; lesbian grandmothers; parents who have dealt with their children's homosexuality for many years; and parents who have dealt with their children's being gay for only one day. There will be gay children who are searching for advice because they are afraid to tell their parents. And, yes, you will run into Mormon mothers and Mormon children.

At my very first parent meeting at PFLAG, two chairs down from me sat a former Mormon. His mother and brother had rejected him, and he had suffered a mental breakdown. I felt sorry for him; his mom couldn't live the Word of Wisdom, but she felt she could judge him and how he should handle his life. HELP and People Who Care are organizations you can join for just a small donation. They will have information that can be mailed out to you immediately; care is used to be discreet and confidential.

8. Don't be terrified to reach out.

I was so scared at the first PFLAG meeting and the first Affirmation meeting (a support group for gay and lesbian Mormons) that I left an itinerary on my table in case something happened to me. Nothing will happen except you will return home feeling a lot better about the whole matter than when you left.

9. Remember that all homosexuals are not promiscuous.

I attended a Gay Pride Day parade in San Francisco several years ago. A group of gay Mormons stayed by my side and made me feel protected as I peered into their world. Homosexuals have immorality in their ranks, just as heterosexuals do, but they also have wonderful people and good causes and upstanding citizens. Sometimes I find gays to be more sensitive, caring, and loving people—perhaps because they have always felt unwanted and unloved and that something was terribly wrong with them….

10. The church is not unfeeling toward you or your child.

Some of the church's general authorities have reached out to me, and I will never forget them. A homosexual office has been created at church headquarters to work with this particular issue. What strides will be made by this department remain to be seen. But until more LDS members can get over their homophobic feelings, acceptance will come slowly for gay Mormons. I feel that parents of gays can be instrumental in bridging this gap, and I consider every parent a pioneer in this area.

Learning about your gay child can be a marvelous blessing. What was at first a major tragedy in my life has given me great new friends, tolerance, and empathy I did not have before. Homosexuals have a part in the next world, and I know our Heavenly Father loves them as he loves us.

The most recent experience of great meaning to me was my decision to march this summer in the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade. There were about seventy-five to one hundred of us parents marching with PFLAG. As we began the parade route, the revelry stopped, the crowd began to clap, cry, and shout. The roar became louder and louder with the enthusiasm, and lots of love was showered upon us. As tears welled in my eyes, I turned to a woman marching beside me and asked her what was happening. She explained that the crowd had experienced such rejection in their lives from parents and relatives that they were showering their affections on us. We became their moms and dads, their grandmas and grandpas. Flowers were given to us, and many people ran out and hugged us with tears streaming down their faces. What an experience. I am so grateful that I was there to reach out and share a few moments with these lonely people.

I realize that some readers of this essay will be shocked. I understand where you are. I walked that road myself not too long ago. I'm glad I finally reached the top of the hill. The other side looks so promising.